Reevaluate. Reaffirm (or not). Live your Life. Repeat.
"Μάθε τον εαυτό σου (Know Thyself)" - Socrates
I recently got back from a conference in Greece, and I'll admit this quote is a little travel inspired, not just because the speaker was Greek, but because the trip became quite a soul-searching type of trip. I had loved Socrates and the classic Greek philosophers long before this trip though. I took a lot of literature classes in college that were heavy on Socrates and Plato and always loved their ties to math. I've actually found myself returning to lessons of these classes a lot recently.
This idea of knowing oneself is at the heart of my teaching philosophy. I see it as the job of an educator to push students to find their passions, their strengths, their overall offering to the world - in essence, to push them to "know themselves" - and then go and figure out how to make that offering valid. I’m actually paraphrasing the great Thomas Merton, yet another author from these college lit classes, and whom I talk more about on my teaching page. This educational approach is a lot less concrete than stating “you did well in these courses, be an engineer”. It’s more personality-based: what are you good at, and what do you enjoy (and why)? Is there an intersection? Great, go do that. No? Go create it. Though this Merton passage is about one’s life journey, I’ve been stuck only applying it to one’s journey through college, but it’s high time I zoom back out again. It’s an iterative process, and I need to practice what I preach, right?
In my department, roughly half of graduating PhDs go into industry, and half stay in academia. In other fields, this proportion is skewed much more towards academia, and in others, perhaps more towards industry. Some applied math students come in knowing which way they want to go, some change their minds part way through grad school, some don’t have any idea until they apply for jobs in their final year. I was one who came in pretty steadfast on academia.
I came in knowing that I loved teaching and working with students, I enjoyed my math courses during my masters, and hence a PhD made sense to pursue. The question mark at the time was research, which would determine at what type of institution I would teach. If I loved research, I would hope to end up at an R1 university (meaning high research activity); one that offers doctoral programs, and therefore is research-focused but involves teaching as well. Otherwise, perhaps a liberal arts college would make more sense. These are the types of questions I have thought about as I have progressed through graduate school.
This past spring is the first time I ever considered any career outside of academia. For you academics out there, before you scoff (!), hear me out. This isn’t a breaking or betrayal. In fact, in applied math it's borderline ignorant not to at least know your options. But regardless of your field, I think it’s much better to see the full spectrum of opportunities out there, and then actively choose academia if it's the right choice for you. And if you happen to find a better fit out there, then so be it. Maybe there’s a better avenue to make your offering valid.
I personally started looking outside academia for flexibility. As I wrestled with the possibility of launching an academic job search for first a postdoc and then a faculty position, possibly both in Colorado - quite a narrow job search! - I realized I needed backup options. That’s not to say I’m opposed to looking elsewhere, but the long term search will likely be in Colorado, so regardless, I decided to at least peek at industry positions in Denver. I really only knew data science, and wanted to see what else was out there. What completely caught me off guard was consulting, which seems to have a bad stigma in academia (after all, who goes into a PhD program intending to be a consultant? Why not do a 1-2 year MBA instead?). This surprising new interest reminded me to think about what I really want out of day-to-day interactions (in the Socratic, Merton sense). Is this somehow another avenue to work on challenging, stimulating problems in a team environment that I just hadn't known about?
As I reevaluate where I am in the second half of my PhD, the things I am thinking about are: have my passions evolved? Have my set of strengths changed? Are there newly emerging ones that I need to integrate? Are there other avenues to pursue these passions and strengths that I hadn’t thought of? These avenues include things like consulting, but also paths within academia that I continue to learn about - postdocs at independent institutes, teaching versus research postdocs, being the theoretical person in a neuroscience lab versus the biology person in a math department - there are so many ways to narrow down one's path.
I spent a lot of time thinking and writing at an adorable little coffee shop called Coogee in Marseille, France at the tail end of my trip:
So, if you are a fellow graduate student reading this, or even a postdoc, or a millennial, or...okay this could apply to a lot of people...the takeaway message is this: ask yourself what specifically you like about your current day-to-day, and about your proposed career plan (i.e. grad school and a tenure-track position). For example, I know I still enjoy teaching, but what specifically about it? I can tell you it isn’t the grading or standing in front of lecture halls full of 100 students. No, it’s the office hours and mentoring, it’s making an impact on students’ journeys; it's the people. What do I like about graduate school in applied math? I love working in the application of biology and collaborating with others, and I love working to create community amongst my somewhat introverted department. Dare I say it's the people. Do you see somewhat of a theme here? Yes, I've noticed too. Certain pieces of academia are found in other vocations, and certain pieces aren’t, and it's important to tease those apart and know what's important to you.
In summary, a couple do's and dont's for you:
Do's:
Be aware of your options. Actively choose what best aligns with your strengths and passions.
Segment your statements:
"I'm interested in x" - Ok, what about it? i.e. within teaching, I like working with people, helping students walk through a problem and have that "click" moment, and being a part of their personal growth through college.
"I think I'm bad at research" - If you're in a PhD program, this is probably not true. Do you struggle with unstructured time? (hiiiiii me too - (a) read my previous post, and (b) find a way to structure it). Are you not interested in the content of your research? Don't confuse lack of interest with lack of ability.
Do your homework. Know the pros and cons of different career paths. Make a well-informed decision based on all your variables.
Don'ts:
Don't convince yourself you aren't interested in academia because you think you're "not good enough". Imposter syndrome is rampant in academia (and probably wherever you're thinking of escaping to...). Go have an open and honest conversation with your advisor and find how he/she sees your strengths and weaknesses. Work on both.
Conversely, don't stay in academia because you feel like you "ought to". There's a bit of a tribal mentality in academia. Your advisor and other faculty chose it, so it's hard to get good advice about other choices from within your department.
Don't blindly stay on the same path you chose 5 years ago. Reevaluate. If you choose the same path now, great! You knew yourself well 5 years ago.
TL;DR: Reevaluation is good. It will either reaffirm the path you are on, which will strengthen your day to day, or show you other opportunities that are more aligned with what you have to offer.
Well, I'm a people person (oh was that not clear yet?) and it took a loooot of conversations to think through all of this. I'd like to give a big shout out to my boyfriend, Jared, for helping me navigate my own path and tease out what is most important to me in my next steps. Thanks to many others as well for many fruitful conversations. Whether you agree or disagree with my message, feel free to leave feedback. I'm curious to hear what you all think about this process, especially in different stages and walks of life.